In a few days Dan and I will be leaving for San Francisco, my favorite city on earth.  In order to prepare for our trip I have done the following things, listed in order of importance:

1. Typed up detailed instructions for the care of my dogs. My parents “claim” that they know how to take care of pets but my dogs have very specific needs.  Freddy likes to be held like a baby but not pet.  Parker needs his belly rubbed for 2 hours every night, is afraid to go down stairs and does not like to be held.  Reuben likes hugs and he and Freddy cannot be left alone with toys because they’ll try to kill each other.  Whenever you leave the house you have to tell them how long you will be gone, that they are very loved and that they should be kind to one another…and of course, Parker is in charge when the adults are away.  Freddy and Reuben cannot be trusted.  Oh, and Freddy needs lots and lots of kisses.  They all need lots of treats, Frosty Paws ice cream at 8pm every night and a pre-bedtime walk between 9:15-9:20pm.  Other than that they’re very easy.

2. Stocked up on Vicks VapoRub. I have a jar in my carry-on, suitcase, bathroom bag and purse.  Vicks cures everything.  As soon as I board the plane I slather myself in it.  Dan’s always like, “Do you really need that much Vicks?  You smell like cough syrup.”

3. Printed up a “Lost & Found” sign for Dan. It says, “If you see me wandering around, please return me to my wife at the Fairmont at 950 Mason Street.”  I can’t risk losing him again!  Last year I turned my back on him for 2 minutes and found him 3 hours later playing in the fountain in Union Square.  The cop that found him says this happens all the time.

4. Downloaded Season 6 of Blue Bloods on my iPad for the flight. I know the airline claims to offer in-flight entertainment but I don’t trust it.  I thought “in-flight entertainment” meant TV screens at every seat.  Apparently it just means crying babies and snoring husbands.

5. Packed my snack bag. Some people fill their carry-on luggage with medication and neck pillows. I fill mine with Kudo bars and Fritos.  Who needs Lipitor when you can eat chocolate?  Priorities people.

6. Made a list of all of the restaurants I want to try, arranged by price and customer rating. My daily itinerary is:  Eat, nap, eat, nap, eat, nap, snack, eat, nap, snack, bedtime.

7. Made a mental note to pack my sneakers. It took me an hour just to find them in my closet.  I bought them 3 years ago and surprisingly they look brand new.  I usually don’t pack sneakers but I promised Dan that this year we will “hike” in a redwood forest.  Last year I said the same thing but wasn’t prepared for the adventure.  I showed up at Muir Woods in flip flops with a mini coach purse and a candy bar.  The people around us had hiking shoes (I didn’t even know that was a thing) and backpacks filled with water.  What a fiasco!  And, if you can believe it, they were going to make us pay money to hike in the woods.  Ahh…I don’t even like to leave my house and now you want me to pay money to go outside and potentially get the Zika virus?  No thank you.  Apparently the money is to preserve the forest.  Why not just burn it down and build a Starbucks?  It would generate more revenue and people wouldn’t have to get out of their cars (thank you Starbucks drive-thru) or wear ugly shoes.  Just my opinion.

8. Went to the bank to get lots of 5’s and 10’s for tip money. I LOVE TIPPING!  You open my car door, you get a tip…you carry my luggage, you get a tip…you play street music, you get a tip…you get me an extra blanket on the plane, you get a tip…you make me walk in the woods, you do NOT get a tip.  Tipping makes other people happy and I like that.

9. Printed my spa confirmation. Every time we go on vacation I spend an entire day at a local spa.  I love to be rubbed, plucked, waxed, peeled, painted and detoxed.  It’s cheaper than plastic surgery and more fun than dieting and requires no walking at all.

10. Printed out a copy of the FBI’s Top 10 Most Wanted list for my purse. I’m always looking for a reason to call 911 and I figure that criminals like to hide in big cities.  I could hit the jackpot on this trip.  Maybe catch 2 this year?