(Names have been changed to protect the embarrassed)

In every good high school health class across America there is one topic that awkward high school students love to discuss: Sexually transmitted diseases. It’s a right of passage to stand in front of your peers and present the disgusting physical symptoms that result from your raging hormones and overall poor life choices. And if you can do it in song form, even better. I can vividly remember my presentation on genital warts in 10th grade. My group partner was absolutely mortified but I was bursting with excitement. We could have been given AIDS. AIDS is boring. Everyone wanted AIDS. Genital warts has flare and pizzazz. And it makes one hell of a health class game show. Let’s just say between the graphic drawings, uncomfortable trivia questions and lollipop prizes…we got an A+. I don’t think my teacher had ever seen anything like it.

So imagine my excitement when 20 years later Ava gets in the car at pick up and tells me she has syphilis. And knowing just how much I like genital warts, she asked me to “help” her with her project. Best part… her presentation had to be in song form. Everyone knows that writing rap songs about STDs is where I shine. I immediately shoved my family aside, barricaded myself in my bedroom and started writing. Four hours later, my masterpiece was complete. Here’s a sample for your listening pleasure. To get the “full effect” you need to sing it to “That’s What I Like” By Bruno Mars. Ava and I first practiced it in front of her parents. The looks on their faces were priceless. I just knew they loved it. I hope you will too.

That’s What I Don’t Like
by Rachel & Ava

I got a weird sore on my tushy
I wonder what it could be
I think I got infected
From sex that was unprotected

Diagnose it for me doctor, diagnose it for me
Turn around and tell me doctor please, just tell it to me
It’s a virus not bacteria
Syphilis not listeria
Presents itself in stages
As the patient ages

You got it but don’t want it, got it, got it but don’t want it
Said you got it but don’t want it, it’s a problem you don’t want it

Get to the urgent care
Put some penicillin on it
200,000 cases a year
Just to put a number on it

You deserve the truth, you deserve it all
And we’re gonna give it to you

Symptoms like sores on your hands
Hair loss and swollen lymph glands

Lucky for us there is a cure, there is a cure
Lucky for us there is a cure, there is a cure

Syph-i-lis is a big deal
Rectal inflammation is real

Lucky for us there is a cure, there is a cure
Lucky for us there is a cure, there is a cure

Unfortunately when I saw the final product I didn’t feel that the girls put as much “enthusiasm” into the presentation as I would have, but maybe I was just expecting too much out of teenagers in health class.