There are so many life-threatening issues facing our world today.  Coronavirus, Ebola, child slavery, Kim Jung Un, camping… and the list could go on and on.  But as I sit here today I can think of no greater threat to the fabric of our civilization than the one that has been forced upon us by the authoritarian dictatorship which steers the ship at a beloved American institution.  To put it bluntly… The Brach candy company has created “Autumn Mix.”  A mixture of candy corn and candy pumpkins in one bag.  I can’t even believe those words just came out of my mouth.  Disgusting.  And frankly, I don’t think we, as a semi-functioning society, should have to put up with it!  I mean, are we cave people?  Neanderthals?  Are we those tribal people from Brazil that have never seen an iPhone?  Imagine what they will think if they scurry out of the woods only to find Autumn Mix being shoved down their throats?  My blood is boiling right now (and not just because I’m having a hot flash).  When I walk around Target with a box of tampons in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other, I should not have to be accosted by a haughty display of Autumn Mix on an end cap.  What ever happen to separate, but equal?  In my day we kept our candy corn in one bag and our candy pumpkins in another.  No mixing of the candy.  No forced integration.  Our “woke” culture is ruining my whole fall season. 

And were we, as consumers, ever consulted?  I don’t remember being asked to participate in a candy focus group.  And I buy A LOT of candy.  I would have just said flat out, “you people have lost your damn minds.” A candy corn and a candy pumpkin are two different sizes, have totally different mouth feels and grow on completely different vines.  One comes from a stalk and the other from a patch.  Does no one understand botany anymore?

Listen, we’ve all been through enough struggles this year.  March Madness was canceled.  Carole Baskin got cut from DWTS.  And of course let’s not forget, Megxit.  It’s all too much.  There’s only so much my Xanax prescription can handle.  For now, I’m going to take the high road, be the “bigger person” and forget this ever happened.  But if come March, McDonalds decides to change up it’s Shamrock Shake recipe, I’m done.  I’m just done.