It’s that time of year again… when I start getting everyone’s Christmas letters in the mail describing how wonderful and perfect their year has been.  Not me baby!  I’m here to be real and expose the seedy underbelly of the American family.  Here are my observations and milestones from 2016..

1. Dan and I are officially grown ups. We sent out our very first family Christmas card.  I used our wedding invitation list for addresses so if we’ve met you after 2011 you probably did not get our card.    You missed one selfie of Dan and I, and 7 adorable photos of our dogs in matching sweaters.
2. I finally figured out that Target is making me fat. Because half of their parking spots are now reserved for pregnant women I have to eat more so I can look pregnant so I can park at their stores.  It’s madness!
3. Another year went by and I still don’t have a Cadillac Escalade. Unbelievable!  It’s like my husband doesn’t even love me.  All I ask for is one simple $90K living room on wheels and he says no!  Babe, the seats are air-conditioned.  That’s my dream‼
4. We all say we want friends but when push comes to shove, we just want to be alone. When a friend first invites me over for dinner, I’m like “yay, that sounds great” but when the day arrives my enthusiasm quickly turns to “crap, now I have to put a bra on and go outside.  Can we cancel?”
5. I’ve had to resort to hiding dog sweaters. Dan is onto me.  Last week he “noticed” the boys all wearing matching Santa sweaters and asked if they were new.  I tried to lie but he figured me out.  It’s not my fault.  If he wouldn’t complain so much about spending $300 a month on matching dog outfits I wouldn’t have to resort to hiding them under my bathroom sink.  I mean, now that Christmas is almost over I have to buy New Year’s Sweaters, Valentine’s Day, President’s day, National Cupcake Day… it’s never ending.  I blame Hallmark.
6. I had to fly coach once this year (just one way… round trip would have literally killed me). Coach is awful.  It’s like worse than turning on the TV and realizing that Law & Order’s not on.  After spending so much money on dog sweaters I couldn’t justify paying 5X the price for a one-way ticket on a 2-hour flight.  What we do for our kids!  I kept watching the people in first class drinking free champagne and eating food on trays and I was so jealous!  Meanwhile, I’m stuck sitting next to a crying baby and a guy that thinks showering is “optional.”  They don’t allow crying babies in first class.  It’s THE BEST!  I’m not doing it again.  I’d rather die.
7. “This Is Us” is the best show on TV. Done!
8. I drank ½ gallon of egg nog in one day. I’m not sure if that should be an “ah-ha” moment in my life.
9. I got my first pair of David Yurman earrings this year. I guess my husband does love me after all.  Now that he’s started my Yurman collection, future gift-giving will be a breeze.  A ring for my birthday, a necklace for our next anniversary, etc.  I’m totally worth it.
10. A few months ago I did a safety test with Annie and Jack. I called their house several times when I knew their Mom wasn’t home just to see how they responded.  They failed!  In different voices I kept asking “Is your mom home?” to which one of them would reply “no, I know it’s you Rachel.” (Darn that caller ID!).  Of course, I responded “what if a serial killer stole my phone and was pretending to be me?” to which they responded “if a serial killer stole your phone why would he call us?”  Good point.  But still the wrong answer.  The correct answer is, “Yes, my mom is home but she doesn’t want to talk to you.  I’m now calling the police.  ”  I also rang the doorbell and hid in the bushes to see if they would unlock the front door.  They passed that test.  You can never be too safe with your kids… or other people’s kids.
11. 2016 provided me another wonderful opportunity to visit my polling place. It’s an old folks home.  They have a bake sale and scream your name REALLY LOUD when you arrive.  It’s pretty much highlight of my year.
12. Dan and I are considering having kids. My biggest concern is their education.  I only want them going to a school that advertises a “rigorous academic program.”  I’m not one of those people that wants to “support” their kids “hopes and dreams.”  The last thing our world needs in another 29-year-old sipping lattes all day at Starbucks while they “find themselves” because their parents told them that being a starving artist is ok.  Our children can become surgeons, defense attorneys or VP’s at Google or Amazon.  That’s it.  We’re signed up for a tour of The Hill School next week.  Dan thinks it’s too soon.  It’s never too soon to dictate your children’s education and force them into who you want them to be.
13. We did Disney this year. I learned a very important lesson:  You can’t just “show up” at Disney like it’s Six Flags or something.  You have to train for Disney.  You need to be mentally, emotionally and physically prepared for the 16 hours a day of fun and meltdowns you will be experiencing from both kids and adults.  And you must have a plan.  Without a plan, Disney will eat you alive.  Every ride dumps you in a gift shop so bring lots of money, everyone in your group will have a meltdown so bring lots of candy for bribes, and don’t worry about keeping track of your kids… no one at Disney is kidnapping anyone else’s kids.  It’s too expensive, and frankly, after 3 hours of waiting in line with their own family they don’t even want the kids that they brought, let alone yours.
14. Every morning when I’m teasing my hair and using a ridiculous amount of hair spray I always look in the mirror and say, “You look smokin’ hot!”. Thank you Tony Robbins for my abnormally high self-esteem.
15. I survived another year without camping. When somebody says “do you want to go camping?” I always reply, “No thank you.  I have a house.”