My husband and I have been talking about whether or not to have kids at any point in our future so I put together a Pro & Con list to help make our decision easier.

Top 10 Pro’s

• A child has small hands and can reach under the couch to find the Apple TV remote and all the missing dog toys.
• Save money on house cleaning. Kids can do chores and it teaches them a good work ethic.  We’re basically creating a responsible “next generation.”  Society…you’re welcome.
• An extra pair of hands to rub Parker’s belly at night. I’ve got carpal tunnel from that dog!
• Someone to clean my car. What feels like “work” to me becomes a “learning activity” for them.
• More living creatures to wear matching sweaters in my house. I’ve bought up all of the matching dog sweaters on the market.  Now I can move onto kid’s clothes.
• Early access to Girl Scout cookies
• Can park in the “Parents with Toddler” parking spots without feeling like a criminal
• Might become a celebrity and take me to the Oscars someday. Hey, it happened to Matthew McConaughey’s mom.
• Can make money on the “religious circuit.” Baptism as a baby…1^st Holy Communion at 8…Confirmation at 12…Bar Mitzvah at 13…Quinceañera at 15..etc. etc.  By the time the kid is 18 he/she could really clean up.  Growing up Baptist I missed out on A LOT of money.  Thanks a lot Mom and Dad.  I could have had an Escalade by now.
• Future star of Toddlers & Tiaras. My parents wouldn’t let me be in beauty pageants because I was too fat and they said it would ruin my self-esteem.  It’s payback time baby!  I’m already picturing my future 3-year-old wearing a puffy pink dress covered in sparkles with a tiara bigger than her head.  A set of good fake teeth, a spray tan and an “accidental” poisoning of a few other contestants and you’ve got yourself a winner!  If that doesn’t build self-esteem I don’t know what does.

Top 10 Con’s

• Expensive
• Loud
• Always sticky
• Mandatory school involvement. Is it too much to ask to drop my kid off at school for 6 hours and not be forced to come back for pageants, parties and field trips?  What are my tax dollars paying for?
• Food allergies.
• The flu. It’s bad enough when two people in the house are sick but when you add in a third (or forth) it’s total mayhem.  How do adults continue to parent when they’re sick?  I can’t even get off the couch for my dogs.  I guess I’d have to give them away temporarily.
• Do babies really need to sleep in a swing?  Do kids really need a swing set to thrive?  I get very motion sick and can’t fathom having either of these two items on my property.  Isn’t all this nauseating motion just training them to be future sailors?  And we all know what happens to sailors… they go out on a boat and the ocean (or jaws) swallows them up.  By not having swings I’m just saving my kids from a future death at sea.
• Grocery bills. Boys eat WAY TOO MUCH food.  I remember my Mom telling my brother that the 6-pack of yogurt cups was supposed to last all week.    He ripped off all the lids and ate the whole pack for a snack before his snack.  Boys should come with food stamps.
• I still can’t find a tech company that will put a tracking chip in kids.  It’s ridiculous!  How else are parents supposed to spy on their kids 24/7?
• Truth Machines. What is with kids and always telling the truth when it’s not appropriate?  “Excuse me teacher, do you ever get angry because my Daddy gets really angry”, “Hi officer.  My Daddy drives really fast.  Isn’t that cool!”, “Grandmom,  Mommy says that I don’t have to take a shower if I went swimming.  I haven’t showered for 2 weeks.”  It’s a mess!