For the last 25 years all I’ve heard from Oprah, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz is that…

• If you just cut out soda, you’ll lose 12lbs a year
• If you just cut out candy, you’ll lose 20lbs a year
• If you just cut out dessert, you’ll lose 15lbs a year
• If you just cut out processed food, you’ll lose 30lbs a year

Enough of the “If you just’s”.  These are all lies created by the liberal media to give fat people hope.  And now…I’m fat AND I’m mad.  It’s a deadly combination.  Over the last 8 weeks I’ve been doing the Paleo Diet.  For anyone not familiar with the plan you basically eat food that you kinda like, but cut out all of the food that you really like, in hopes of losing weight.  In 8 weeks I’ve lost 6lbs.  That’s it!  According to “the experts” I should have lost like 20lbs by now.  I cut out all desserts, all soda and all joy, and replaced it with water (ugh!), vegetables and plain meat.  I eat chicken without mashed potatoes, soup without bread and dinner without dessert.  It’s a nightmare!  Oprah… I am mad at you.  Dr. Phil… I despise your lies.  Dr. Oz… you are dead to me.  With the amount of soda and ice cream I was eating on a daily basis I should have lost at least 20lbs by now without ever moving off the couch.  If you add in my 5 trips to the gym I should be a size 6 with washboard abs.  This is worse than flying coach… or even camping.

And I know after some people read this blog (Mom) they’ll send me encouraging notes like “you’re doing great!  Keep up the good work” or “the slower the weight comes off the longer it will stay off.”  Just keep your Pinterest encouragement to yourselves.  I don’t need any more wall art telling me how awesome I am.  I have enough already.  It’s not helping.  I think I’m just going to have to take drastic measures and stop eating all together.  At least then people will admit that I have an eating disorder and put me on Intervention.  Who doesn’t want free fat camp and the chance to be on reality TV?  Win-win.