Hot in Herre – My Sweaty Journey Back to the Gym

Posted on by rachelewagner1

I consider myself a very generous person.  For the past 3 years I’ve donated $10 a month to Planet Fitness without asking for anything in return.  In fact, I only visited once to set up my monthly donation and do the obligatory “first training session.”  We all know these “sessions.”  A mildly enthusiastic physical therapy intern takes us around the gym to show us how to use the fancy equipment.  “Now this big machine is called a treadmill.  It teaches you how to walk real fast and burn up to 100 calories per hour.  If you hold onto this bar it will even miscalculate your heart rate.”  Oooooo.  Exciting.  You have to act like you’re interested even though deep down you know you’re never coming back… and you’re wondering what time Dairy Queen closes.

At this point in my life I’ve given up on being “model thin.”  Now I’d settle for anywhere between really morbidly obese and overweight.  Look, if I could just get into a swim dress without wearing Spanx I’d be happy.  As the years go by I find that I need to “manage” my expectations a little better.

So, in preparation for my first trip to the gym I did a few key things:

  1. Found my sneakers (I spent $150 on a pair 5 years ago. They’re still in the box)
  2. Bought some workout clothes (My old workout clothes became my regular work clothes a few years ago when I could no longer zip my jeans)
  3. Downloaded new songs
    • This is How We Do It – Montell Jordan
    • Baby Got Back – Sir Mix A Lot
    • Getting Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith
    • The One That Got Away – Katy Perry
    • Shake it Off – Taylor Swift
  4. Bought a water bottle (as you know from an older post, I am 100% anti-water)
  5. Got in the car and drove to the gym (Ugh!)

At this point I know that ya’ll are doubting that I actually went and I take offense to that.  Well, not really.  I’d bet against me too.  But you would be WRONG!  Suckers.  I did go.  In fact, in 5 days I’ve been there 4 times.  And no, not just to use the massage chairs.  I actually got on the big scary elliptical machine, turned it on and moved my legs.  And…I started to sweat… on purpose.  It was HORRIBLE!  Like worse than starving kids in Africa horrible.  Everything hurts.  I’m constantly tired and hungry.  Basically I want to die.  BUT… I keep going back.  Is this Stockholm syndrome?  Crap.  The Planet Fitness vortex sucked me in.  If I start putting 5K stickers on my car PLEASE come save me.

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