Does anyone remember when the only thing you needed to board a plan was a ticket with a seat number?  And boarding a plane was easy?  “Attention passengers, we’re now boarding flight 665 to Phoenix.  All passengers in rows 1-20 please board now.”  Followed by rows 21-40 and finally rows 41-60.  Not anymore my friends!  Now you have to “be somebody” and have a PhD to correctly board your flight.  “Attention passengers we’ll now begin boarding flight 665 to Phoenix.  If all of our Premium Executive Lifetime Platinum members traveling with 1 child and 2 carry-ons but no personal items and are also Starwood Preferred members would please board now that would be great.  We’ll now continue boarding with our Platinum Executive Premium Platinum Silver Elite members traveling with more than 1 child but less than 2 children, 1 carry-on, less than 3 personal items and are not Starwood Preferred members but were born in a leap year.”  What the heck?  My head is spinning.  I don’t even know my wedding anniversary let alone if I’m a member of any secret clubs that will let me board this plane.  After 30 boarding groups and 2 hours I politely ask the gate attendant when I board the plane….

Me:      Hi, I bought a ticket for this flight.  Can I board?

Agent: Are you an Executive Premium Platinum Silver Elite member?

Me:      No.

Agent: Are you a Platinum Executive Premium Platinum Silver Elite member?

Me:      No.

Agent: Are you travelling with small children?

Me:      No.

Agent: Are you a member of our One World Connect program?

Me:      I don’t even know what that is.

Agent: Do you require assistance at the arrival gate?

Me:      No.  I just have a ticket and want to get on the plane and sit in my seat and sleep.

Agent: So you’re a “nobody?”  I’m sorry, you should have boarded yesterday.