It’s a rainy Saturday afternoon and you find yourself laying on your couch with a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies and nowhere to go.  A few clicks of the remote and you’re browsing through Netflix for a good “binge watching” show – Something to keep you on your couch for the next 10 hours minus a few bathroom breaks.  You’ve heard great things about Breaking Bad so why not try that?  Like everyone else, you start off with a clear sense of right and wrong but by the third episode you’re actually considering becoming a drug dealer.  After the 6^th episode you’re writing a business plan.  I have to confess this happened to me.  One Monday morning after binge watching 3 seasons of Breaking Bad I found myself having this conversation with my coworkers (names have been changed to protect the “innocent”)…

 

Me:      Oh…my…gosh.  Who has watched Breaking Bad?

Tom:    Love it!

Sarah: It’s only my favorite show on TV

Jen:      Amazing!

Ken:     Don’t tell me the end.  I haven’t watched it yet.  Does Walter die?  I can’t handle it.

Me:      I thought it was a little slow at first but by the second episode I was hooked.  Who knew that an upstanding chemistry teacher could start making meth in his underwear and end up making millions?

Tom:    I know, right.  At first I was like, “Dude, don’t become a drug dealer, but then after a few episodes I was like “Dude, you’re awesome.  Keep up the good work.”

Me:      I almost wish I remembered my high school chemistry class so I could be Walter White.  LOL.

Sarah: I know, right.  Wouldn’t that be crazy?

Me:      Or would it? (I squint my eyes)

Ken:     Huh?

Me:      Riddle me this… What “if”… “on the side”… we “made meth”… and became bajillionaires?

Tom:    I’m in

Me:      Wow that was quick

Tom:    I have no real moral compass

Me:      That explains a lot of things

Sarah: Totally in

Ken:     I’m listening

Me:      Okay, the first thing we’ll need is a good business plan

Sarah: I’m on it.  These invoices can wait.  Microsoft Word has a business plan template for any business.

Me:      First thing in the plan… who here knows how to make meth?

Ken:     I made my own exploding volcano once

Me:      Not helpful.  Who else?

Sarah: Why don’t we Google it?  You can find anything on Google

Me:      Yes!  But don’t do it here.  We need a public library where the search can’t be traced.

Sarah: I’m sure the FBI is too busy with real criminals to care about one little meth lab in Pennsylvania.

Me:      Good point.  Google it.

(turning to Ken)

Me:      The next thing we need is a good supplier.  I’m thinking Amazon

Tom:    Amazon has everything.  I’ll bring it up now.  Amazon Search Bar: Meth making supplies

Me:      Make sure you use the company Prime account.  I am NOT paying for shipping.

Sarah: What kind of idiot pays for shipping anymore?

Me:      I know, right?

Tom:    So what should I be searching for?  Like sugar and flour and stuff?

Me:      We’re not baking a cake.  We’re making meth.  Just YouTube episode 3 and search for everything Walter White bought.  And make sure you buy a lot of blue food dye.  We want our product looking like the real deal.

Ken:     But blue meth is Walter’s thing.  Shouldn’t we have our own signature color?

Sarah: I agree.  Let’s do pink

Ken:     Pink is a little too gender specific.  How about orange?

Sarah: Oh, now we can’t be gender specific?  What are you the ACLU?

Me:      Everyone calm down.  If we can’t get through our first meeting without fighting how will be run a multi-billion dollar meth empire on the side?

Sarah: Fine.  Let’s go with orange.

(Ken smirks)

Tom:    How are we going to pay for this stuff?

Me:      We can each chip in $20 and put the rest on our Amazon Wish List.  Then, when your family asks you for a birthday gift idea you can say “I’d like 10 gallons of hydrochloric acid please.  Just check my Amazon Wish List.”

Sarah: But we should make sure it’s the brand we like before we add it to our Wish List.  I don’t want to be stuck with crappy hydrochloric acid.

Rachel: Once I ordered nail polish from Amazon and didn’t like the color.  When I tried to send it back they told me that I can’t ship hazardous materials back to them.  I was like, “Amazon, you just shipped it to me.  Why can’t I just ship it right on back to you?”  So confusing.  Now I’m stuck with “Lady of the Night Pink” when I really wanted “Margarita Sunset.”  What a mess!

Tom:    Are we buying nail polish?  I thought we were making meth.  I don’t want to get into the nail polish business.  Too competitive.

Ken:     (Ken interrupts)… We could create a Kick Starter page.  If opening a meth lab isn’t a viable business model I don’t know what is.  The return on investment is fabulous.

Me:      Did you just use the word fabulous?  If you want to keep your “man card” you should probably stop doing that.

Sarah: After we find out how to make the meth and buy the supplies we still need a place to set up.

Tom:    Does anyone know of a laundromat that has a secret meth lab underneath it?  We don’t need the whole thing.  We just need to rent a little space to get started.

Ken:     No, but my mom’s basement is unfinished.  We could probably use that.

Me:      Perfect!  And if we blow it up, I’m sure she’s got insurance.

Ken:     Win-win

Me:      Now, let’s talk packaging.  We need something fresh and modern.

Sarah: Walter just put his meth in little plastic bags.

Me:      That was his thing.  We need to differentiate ourselves.  You know…really stand out in the market place.

Ken:     Aren’t meth heads like the least picky customers EVER?

Me:      Maybe, but they still deserve a nice presentation.  How about miniature orange boxes with a little white bows?  Like Tiffany’s but orange.

Sarah: Oh my gosh I love Tiffany’s!

Me:      Who doesn’t!

Tom:    Who’s going to tie all these bows?  I have arthritis in my fingers.

Ken:     Last week on Shark Tank a woman started a business using the elderly as a labor force.  We could try that.

Me:      Ahh…perfect.  Not only do we get cheap non-union labor but we can also charge Medicare for the “physical therapy” they’re getting by exercising their fingers all day.

Ken:     My mom lives within 10 miles of at least 5 old folks homes.  We’ll save money on gas.

Me:      I like this.  I like this a lot.  Low labor costs, low fuel costs, very high margins.  It’s like the perfect business scenario, minus the potential prison time and inevitable bodily harm.

Tom:    Every business has its risks

Sarah: Once we package our meth how are we going to sell it?

Tom:    I think we should try Farmers Markets.  They’re all the rage.  We could set up a stand…go on Twitter…create a following.  Like they do on The Next Great Food Truck Race.

Me:      Mmm…there could be kale there… and aren’t we kind of “exposing ourselves” at a Farmer’s Market?  I do not want to go to prison.  They have horrible mattresses!  Very bad for the back.

Sarah: How about Craigslist?  We could post something inconspicuous in the personal ads.  Instead of SWFSSWM (Single White Female Seeking Single White Male) we could say something like, NMMSNDD (Nice Meth Makers Seeking Nice Drug Dealers).  “No one with pointy toe cowboy boots need apply.”

Me:      Perfect.  Let’s set it up.

Tom:    It sounds like we have everything covered except for one thing… laundering the profits.

Me:      We need Barry from Burn Notice.  Who here knows Barry?

Sarah: I have an uncle named Barry but he’s dead.  And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t know how to launder money.  My aunt did all of the laundry.

Me:      Let’s stay focused (eyes roll)

Tom:    How about a casino?  We walk in with a few million in cash, trade it in for chips, play a few table games and then cash in the chips for new “clean” cash.

Ken:     Brilliant!

Me:      Fine, but don’t play any games over a $10 buy-in.  I don’t want to waste profits on roulette.

Ken:     So we sit down at a $10 black jack table and put down $4 million in chips?  Won’t that look a little suspicious?  Especially with a $15 buy-in.  Haven’t you seen the movie 21?

Me:      Of course I’ve seen the movie, you know I love Kevin Spacey.  This is a real pickle.

Sarah: How about we split up and each go to a different casino.  That way no one will catch on.  $1 million in chips looks a lot less suspicious than $4 million.

Me:      Agreed.  Done.

 

Prologue – After our initial meeting we decided that due to the risk of possible imprisonment, the lack of morality among drug dealers, the cost of supplies and the time involved it’s probably better if we don’t become meth makers and blow ourselves up… or Ken’s mom.  Oh, and we’re good people who know the difference between a TV show and reality… sort of. (wink-wink).