I do not like people who:

1. Are vegans. I tried being a vegan for 2 days this year and it was not pretty.  Whoever says that garden burgers taste just like the real thing is completely deranged.  They taste like a cross between astronaut food and paste.  I think a lack of saturated fat has seriously clouded their judgment.

2. Think that Leprechauns are not real. Of course they’re real!  Who do you think invented the Shamrock Shake, Lucky Charms and Rainbows?

3. Think their dogs are cuter than mine. Get a grip!

4. Use the terms “awesomesauce”, “totes” or “pedi.” Is it really necessary to abbreviate the English language that much?

5. Willingly buy non-diary eggnog. It’s a crime against humanity.

6. Have food allergies. Just eat the freaking peanut and stab yourself with an epi-pen already!

7. Say, “This dessert is too sweet for me.” I was under the impression that desserts are supposed to be sweet.  If you want something salty, eat an appetizer and move on with your life.

8. Have not seen Shawshank Redemption. Yes, those people actually exist.  Yes, they live a meaningless existence.

9. Can’t figure out the difference between “there”, “they’re” or “their”. Unless English is your second language you have no excuse.

10. Choose a side salad over French fries. We have a word for people like this…Communists.

11. Can’t recite the intro to The A Team by heart.

“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you, have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… The A Team.”

12. Speak more than one language. Stop trying to make the rest of us feel bad about   ourselves for barely having a grasp on our native language.

13. Fight with grocery store cashiers over a $0.50 coupon.  I will gladly give you $20 if you will get out of the freaking line and let me buy my groceries already.  When a cashier asks me if I have any coupons I quickly say “no” and then turn to the person behind me and say “you’re welcome.”

14. Do not pick Gonzaga in their March Madness Bracket.  Or worse yet, don’t participate in March Madness.  What do you do with yourself for the entire month of March?  Dan doesn’t even watch sports and I fill out at least 5 brackets for him.  Sports gambling is so much fun!

15. Use more than one annoying adjective when describing home furnishings: “I love this tile because it’s clean and modern, yet rustic and sexy.  It’s got great lines, the color pops and it’s chic but classic all at the same time.  It’ll fit right in with my mid-century modern, classic, rustic, farm-chic, zen, French-country style.”  I basically have no idea what you just described.

16. Don’t call 911 on a regular basis.  The operators and I are literally on a first name basis.  While out driving around I’m always on the lookout for a suspicious situation.  If you’re out walking your dog and happen to look like a person I saw on America’s Most Wanted you’ll most likely be getting a visit from the police.

17. Take a whole cart of groceries to the self-checkout line.  Everyone knows that line is for 15 items or less.  Any sane person can see that there is no room to park your big cart, no room to stack your groceries and the scanner constantly says “Please see cashier for assistance.” It’s a good thing you didn’t wait 5 minutes in the regular line so you could spend 40 minutes annoying everyone else in the self-checkout line while you figure out the codes on all of your organic produce.

18. Do not request the birthday song at restaurants on their birthday.  Who does that!  I go to as many chain restaurants as possible on my birthday to make sure I hear at least 3 groups of enthusiastic minimum wage workers sing to me.  Applebee’s for lunch…Texas Roadhouse for dinner…Friendly’s for a late night snack.  It’s heaven.  Dan tries to hide under the table but deep down he loves it too J

19. Tell their kids that they’re talented when they’re really not.  They always end up crying on American Idol after the judges tell them that they stink.  “But my Mom & Dad told me I have a great voice.”  From the start my parents were like, “Look…you have no talent.  Don’t go on any reality TV shows…don’t follow your dreams.”  Do you see me blubbering in front of Ryan Seacreast?  No…you don’t.  Thanks Mom & Dad for always keeping it real.

20. Do stuff on vacation.  I always see these posts on Facebook showing people on vacation parasailing, fishing, hiking volcanos, surfing and taking useless tours of cultural areas.  Ah…I go on vacation to get a break from work.  If I have to move from my couch to my beach chair I’ve already done too much.