How are people still getting caught for murder?  Seriously…don’t they watch Law & Order marathons?  Between TNT & USA, Dick Wolf has basically walked us through the process of how to get away with murder in 10 easy steps:

Step 1 – Have an airtight alibi.  Don’t say you were at home alone if your EZ-Pass puts you in Jersey… Detective Brisco WILL find out!  And if you are going to claim you were home alone all night watching the Yankees game you’d better know that game inside and out – what channel it was on, what commercials were aired, how many outs were there at the bottom of the 8^th, how it got interrupted by a tornado warning at 9:57pm.  Come on people, do your homework…this is “Murder 101.”

Step 2 – Don’t be a moron and dump the body in the East River.  Some nosey fisherman or annoying bystander will always find it.  According to Season 2, episode 7 (and Fried Green Tomatoes) you dismember the body and cook it in a big pot of chili or pork BBQ.  Try getting reliable DNA out of that!

Step 3 – Never hide the murder weapon in your house or in the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant down the street.  One persistent police officer with a warrant will find it in like 2 seconds even if you did “hide” it in under that “completely camouflaged lose floor board” in your kitchen.  Always dip it in bleach, break it into a million pieces and burn it during a camp fire.  No one will be the wiser.

Step 4 – DON’T TELL ANYONE!  What is with people and clearing their conscious?  If you just committed a murder you’re already a bad person…just roll with it.

Step 5 – Avoid all NYC bars for at least a week after the crime.  I swear on every episode there is that one bartender who, despite having served 1,000 customers in a 2 hour period, “just happens” to remember that you came in at 9:43pm wearing jeans and blue hoodie that “appeared” to have blood spatter on it.  You “seemed” off and drank too much…like you just committed murder.  And for goodness sakes, pay with cash.

Step 6 – Lawyer up!  As soon as the police come to your door just say, “I want a lawyer.”  Repeat it with me people… “I want a lawyer.”  Brisco and Stabler can be very convincing when they tell you that “we just want to talk to you…you’re not under arrest.”  WRONG!

Step 7 – Take the deal.  If you get to the point of no return and are going to be arrested anyway, just take the deal before someone else does.  Even if you acted alone, just make up something about an accomplice and throw that person right under the bus.  Am I the only one that’s seen The Usual Suspects?

Step 8 – Plan ahead.  Premeditated murder is the best kind of murder because you can figure out your exit strategy before the crime is committed.  Murders “in the moment” are no good and will completely screw up your life.  As soon as you commit the crime and follow Dick Wolf’s first 7 steps get your pre-packed duffle bag filled with cash and a fake passport and get yourself on the first fight to Venezuela.  Can anyone say “no extradition country.”  If you need specific pointers I suggest watching Season 6, Episode 3 as well as the movie “The Next 3 Days.”

Step 9 – Get a good lawyer.  Using a public defender is “cute” but he or she will never be able to get you acquitted.  What you need is a lawyer who understands these four precious syllables…cir-cum-stant-ial.  I mean, was it really “your blood” on the murder weapon or was that just the finding of an over-zealous intern at the Medical Examiner’s office?  Or was it really “your face” on the security camera from the bank across the street or is that just a guess fabricated by the politically motived District Attorney?  See where I’m going with this?  With a good lawyer everything that is true all of the sudden becomes “reasonable doubt.”  Season 19, Episode 8.

Step 10 – Don’t commit murder in the first place.  Maybe invest in a good therapist instead.  It’s fine to binge watch Law & Order marathons like I do but in reality it takes A LOT of work and planning to actually get away with a crime, especially if you’re not the niece of a senator or something.  And…even if you’ve followed all of Dick Wolf’s rules there could still be that one “hidden tape” in a storage locker in Queens that proves your guilt like 5 years after the actual murder.  It’s exhausting.  Just be a good person like me and don’t commit murder.  Seriously.