I often stop and ask myself, “Why haven’t I been recruited by a cult?”  Am I not good enough for your cult?  Do you think your cult is better than me?  I happen to think I would be an asset to any cult.  Yes, I don’t garden or like wearing khaki pants but I have many other attractive qualities for a cult.

• For starters, I like groups of crazy people who have unrealistic expectations about life, and really cool names. Cults always come up with the catchiest names like “The Branch Davidians” or “The Cosmic People of Light Powers.”  Their leaders should really consult with Hallmark.  They are catch phrase masters.
• I’m also an excellent napper. Cult members always talk in calm voices which leads me to believe that they are calm people who appreciate the art of napping.
• I’ve also always wanted my own TV show and from what I know of cults, they always end up on TV. No press is bad press!
• They promote comfortable footwear. Have you ever seen a cult member wearing stilettos?  I don’t think so.
• They like doing crafts. I like doing crafts.  We’re a match made in heaven.  I can whip up a macaroni necklace and a paper plate wreath faster than you can say Wawa Gobbler.
• Group parenting is part of their motto. No one actually wants to parent their own children 100% of the time.  In a cult you have a bunch of babysitters/brainwashers at your disposal.  You could probably work out a plan to only spend 10% of your time with your children and the other 90% napping and making noodle crafts.  Or better yet, tell the cult leader that you “had a dream” that your children are reincarnate gods and should be watched over by other cult members in a secluded place until they turn 18.  Then, you work your way out of the vicious cycle of parenting altogether. Win-win.
• They like to grow vegetables and I became a vegan 4 days ago. Turns out joining a cult is good for my health.
• They always seem to know when the world is coming to an end. This comes in handy when making New Year’s Resolutions.  For example, if my cult tells me that the world is ending on October 1^st I’m going to adjust my resolutions accordingly.  Why the hell am I going on a strict diet when I’ll be dead in 10 months?  Instead I’ll resolve to eat more, drink more, nap more and watch more TV.  No point in making a difference in the world when the whole thing will disappear soon anyway.  Joining a cult will give me a better sense of time management.

I’m sure there are other good qualities I have for cult membership but that’s all I can think of for now.  If you’re ever at Starbucks or Target and stumble upon a group of cult people please give them my number and ask them to call me.   I make a pretty good case as to why they should want me and I’d like to be heard.