Over the holidays I was sitting around with my family discussing end-of-life issues (as you do) and the topic of living wills came up.  If one of my parents is in a coma the other one will make the call on “extraordinary measures”, but if both of them are in comas the responsibility goes to my brother and me.  As we were talking the following conversation played out in my head…

(phone ringing)

Nurse Kelly:   Hello.  Is this Rachel Wagner?

Me:    Yes.  Who is this?

Nurse Kelly:  This is Nurse Kelly from Chester County Hospital.  Your parents have been in an accident.

Me:   Oh, no!  Are they ok?

Nurse Kelly:   They were…

Me:   You know what, don’t even tell me.  I can’t handle this.  I don’t want them to suffer.  Just pull the plug.

Nurse Kelly:  Excuse me?

Me:  Just pull the plug.  Get it over with.  Pull it.  They had a good life.  They wouldn’t want to suffer.

Nurse Kelly:  Ma’am, they tripped over a bonsai tree at Longwood Gardens.  Your father needed two stitches on his forehead and your Mother got a small bruise on her left pinky finger.  They’re going to be discharged soon.

Me: Can you hold one minute I’m getting another call?

(switching calls)

Me:  Hello

My Brother (Aaron):  Hi.  I want to see if you guys can come over for dinner on Sunday night.

Me: We don’t have time for that now.  Mommy and Daddy were in an accident.  I have the hospital on the other line.

My Brother: Oh no!  Pull the plug.

Me:  That’s what I said.  They don’t want to suffer.  This nurse is giving me the runaround.

My Brother: Of course not.  It’s their wishes.

Me: Since we’ll be inheriting money soon we should probably put it to good use.  They would want us to be happy.  Can you call the Cadillac dealership and start the order for our new Escalades?  Get me the white one with tan interior.  And don’t skimp on the leather.  I want the real stuff.

My Brother: I thought you were a vegan?

Me: That was last week.  Keep up.

My Brother:  Should we do the tow package?

Me: Let me talk to the nurse first.  I think if we can do a 2-for-1 funeral we can afford it.  Look, I have to go.  Talk to you soon.

(switching calls back to the nurse)

Me:  Hello.  Are you there?

Nurse Kelly: I’m here.  Your parents just got discharged and should be home shortly.

Me: Crap…I mean that’s great news.

(calling my brother on the other line)

Me: Aaron, hold off on the tow package.  Mommy and Daddy pulled through.

Aaron: Annoying!

Me: I know right.  And I explicitly told them to pull the plug.

Aaron: Was there even a plug to pull?

Me: No, but they could have hooked them up to something and then yanked the plug out of the wall.  Now I’m going to have to wait until next year to get my escalade.

Aaron: So where are we at for dinner on Sunday?

Me: Let me check my calendar.  I’ll get back to you.

 

And thus the reason why getting a living will in writing is important.  You can’t leave just anyone the power to make these kinds of decisions for you.  At least in my parent’s case they have two loving children who only want the best for them.