Why a blog? Simple – I want to be famous. I want my own TV Show and I want a lot of money and apparently this is the way to do it. Well, it’s this or post an embarrassing video of myself dancing naked on YouTube…so I’ll go with a blog for now. Who even reads blogs anymore? I know I don’t. I just watch TV.
Before you invest anytime in reading this blog you should know who you’re dealing with…so here’s a little bit about me:
- I hate going outside. My husband thinks that I have a “bad attitude” about the outdoors. No…I just prefer my air to be filtered and climate controlled. And I can see the outdoors anytime I want on the Discovery Channel.
- I despise camping…and people who camp. Why would anyone want to leave their climate controlled house for a non-climate controlled bug infested “house” in the dirt? Please, can I give up my Sleep Number bed for a weekend to sleep on the ground and hide my food in the trees so bears won’t eat it? Haven’t we evolved beyond this by now? The last time I camped was in a hotel without room service. It was hell on earth.
- I refuse to fly coach anymore. A few years ago I started opening up airline credit cards just for the free miles. I was able to turn those miles into free first-class flights. Now that my miles are all gone I will never fly again. It turns out that first-class is SO MUCH BETTER than coach. In coach if you ask for anything from the flight attendant you are immediately blacklisted and lucky to get a cup of water for the rest of the flight. In first-class they actually like to serve you. They’re so nice up there and the seats fit my hips. Now that my miles are all gone I’m stuck doing road trips to Gettysburg for the rest of my life.
- I hate polka dots. Polka dots should be banned from the earth. And don’t get me started on those baby blankets with the raised dots. They look like a disease. I have to take Benadryl just thinking about them.
- I LOVE reality TV. My husband says that it’s all scripted but I refuse to believe it. How could The Bachelor be scripted? Impossible! You can’t fight true love.
- I love small spaces. Sometimes when I’m in a public bathroom stall I sit there and think, “I could live here.”
- I love my dogs more than life itself. I know other people think that their dogs are cute, but lets be serious, mine are the cutest! They are very naughty and listen to no one but they’re cute…and that’s all that matters.
- If I see one more article about the Kardashians or Caitlin Jenner I think I’ll kill myself.
- I LOVE the color pink. Everything in the world should be pink. Ever since I got fat I wear a lot of black but on the inside I’m wearing pink.
- I believe that Amazon is God’s gift to earth (except for Jesus of course)
- The New Kids on The Block should do a come-back tour every year. Once every 10 years is just not enough.
- I’ve spent my whole life trying to develop an eating disorder. Seriously…why can’t I be anorexic? It’s not fair.
- I’ve never died my hair. When I was a little girl my Daddy told me that most women would kill for my hair color…so I left it alone.
- I love men with tattoos. I’ve been trying to convince my husband to get a tattoo sleeve but he won’t do it. So stubborn!
- Some people complain about going through security at the airport but I love it. When the TSA agent says “I’ll need to pat you down now,” I’m like OKAY! This is the most exciting part of my day. Pat away baby!
- How much frosting is too much frosting for one person to eat? I love frosting out of a jar. If I eat the whole jar in one sitting does that make me less of a person than if I had spread it out over a few days? I don’t know.
- I love hospitals…mainly because they serve food on trays. I LOVE FOOD ON TRAYS! (Another reason why I love first-class so much). Eating food out of little compartments makes me feel special…like it’s Christmas.
- If I ever have kids the only thing I’m looking for in a babysitter is to “keep them alive.” I don’t care if you expose them to new ideas or feed them organic food. I just want you to take them away from me for 4-6 hours and NOT CALL.
- Lifetime movies have convinced me that I’m either going to end up killing my husband one day OR be killed by a serial killer. There really are no other options.
- I’m a generous tipper. Cheap tippers really annoy me.
- I don’t understand why women go to the bathroom in groups. I prefer to use the bathroom ALONE. I’m weird like that.
- My biggest pet peeve is when the first car at a green turn arrow can’t seem to figure out how to GO. If you are at a left-turn arrow you should be stalking the light and be ready to put your foot on the gas as soon as the opposing traffic light turns red. We only get about 10 seconds to utilize that light. Make it count!
- I have big feet. Size 11-wide. Try finding that at Kohls. I have to spend a gazillion dollars online to buy orthopedic shoes. Move over Betty White…Rachel’s rocking her tan Clarks.
- I refuse to read novels. The movies are always so much better…and a lot less work.
- I like cranky people. It’s like they know who they are and don’t care. (Disclaimer: I am one of the happiest people you would ever meet. My husband calls me “Buddy the Elf.”)
- I love being naked. I sure hope we never have a house fire at night and I have to jump out of my 2nd floor bedroom window. The firefighters will show up to find a fat pasty naked woman sprawled across the lawn…holding onto her two dogs.
- I don’t know why people get all in a tizzy when their personal information gets hacked online. I’m actually surprised when I don’t get hacked. If hackers didn’t try to steal our identities what would they do all day?
- Fall and Winter are my favorite seasons. No humidity…no heat…not too much sunshine. Spring and Summer are awful! Humidity…bugs…sand…sun…no thank you.
I think that’s enough for now. As soon as I think of something more witty to say I’ll write another post.
P.S…If you read this whole blog entry you have way too much time on your hands and have just missed a lot of quality reality TV.
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